earlier I wrote

> we have very little control of ourselves and our proclivities. there's internal and external locus of control beliefs people have and I was always internal, and internal psychologically has better odds in life and better mental health and all that. but turns out actually we don't decide anything at all and it's all external. which thoughts pop into your head? what craving do you have, what wishes look good? what you enjoy and don't enjoy. all that you never decided. your body did. whether you can care or remember to do something for a friend or for a job or a project... it was never your choice

and through a series of events I picked up a book on meditation (non-pop) and meditated for three days and I take it back

better than "therapy" actually. Humans know nothing!

being stuck in fight or flight for 3 years shrinks prefrontal cortex functions turns out, and increases emotionality

I could use this for so many things... you don't even have to explain anything to yourself like cognitive behavioural therapies. you end up looking like you can just do things through force of will, but you actually expend no will whatsoever, and your cortisol levels are lower, you use less effort for everything. mindfuck

I'm not sold on the whole compassion thing though. Maybe I'll change my mind later. There's too much sith in my heart from the experiences in my life