oh I think if I enjoy something nobody would pay anyone for that. that's my problem

I get so triggered when people talk about effort or hard work or how you should always suffer. pretty sure their understanding of "work" is you must hate it... I guess kind of like how boomers made all those jokes about love being about hating someone "but being with them anyway". which frankly really disgusted me and I rejected, because my grandparents loved each other dearly and without words, so that psy ops never worked on me. but my grandparents were quite rich self-made people by the time I arrived, retired and never working with no cognition of money, and my mom was just a PhD academic who never engaged with the capitalism so I was just ripe for the dredges of toxic workplace opinions

they say if you love something you'll never work a day in your life. I chose something I loved and I felt all wrong and like my love was meant to be trampled on. I resented that phrase. why would they tell you such terrible things, to lead you like a lemming off a cliff? a trick. you love something so you'll stay around even if we don't feed you. we'll all tell you all your beauty is irrelevant. your love is worthless. we don't share it. we can't see it. it's just something you imagined. you're insane for feeling good about anything. here, we will give you reasons to feel bad and tell you how bad we feel, after all we put so much effort into everything and it's so hard and painful but it's all worth it. we are better than you so you should suffer just like we do, because we are fed and you're not so that's what you must do to become like us. listen to me talk about how I'm making you do overtime and I really wish I could be there with you doing overtime but I have to go take my kids to extracurriculars on this wonderful weekend morning, kids I can afford and you'll never afford

during a dinner the CEO showed a picture of his cozy house once, and it was small but I thought it was just something he liked. that cozy look. I said his house looked nice. he said if I worked hard I could have one one day too. did I not work hard enough? I would come home and pass out. I got migraines so intense I could not see and thought I was going to hurl. when I'd need to go home and lay down in a dark room to make them stop, to make myself not want to kill myself because the pain was so great, it was like I hadn't said anything at all. he offered me Indian food as a prize for all the work I did. I could not stomach every light, sound and sensation, how was I going to stomach Indian food. is it because I wasn't complaining? is it because I was too good so there was no reason to ever fix what didn't seem broken? I told him once, when he told me I had to be "responsive" right before my first vacation, that such a thing would not make me happy. he yelled at me that the client would not be happy